Well, I stopped blogging because the 3 positives got me through some disappointment. Now I'm back because I need them to get me through some SERIOUS disappointment. I didn't get on the doctoral training course this year. Gutted. But, in some ways, I'm not really sure I believe I ever will. I almost don't even want to try anymore, but think I owe myself one more shot!!!
So, after that enormous blow, I have to find 3 positives:
1. All the people who matter really believe in me and my boss said today it would be a travesty if I didn't. That confidence is what's driving me forward to continue to pursue a place on the training.
2. I actually had a pretty good day until the end. It was interesting, busy, I got my curry ....
3. I have all my health etc. Thinking about people like Edgar and the boy Peter was talking about earlier who essentially only has half a brain left reminds me how lucky I am and how living in the first world has taught me to have first world dreams forgetting about how lucky and privileged I already am.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Thursday, 29 March 2012
Okay, didn't get to post yesterday. Had to work really hard to remember yesterday. It was definitely a better day than today though! I think getting 6 points across the two days is going to be difficult though, all that's really sitting in my head is me feeding back to a family today and getting really anxious. And my beloved MS mentioning that she's noticed I'm still anxious feeding back to the team even though I've been with them for over a year now. She was really nice about it though and talked about things she's tried to do to manage her anxiety.
Its just one of those days when I wish I wasn't like this. When I wish I had maybe been born in one of those environments that raise children to believe they're good at everything. Apart from repeatedly being told that children should be seen and not heard and being made very aware that my opinions didn't count because I was a mere child, I can't think really how it got this bad. I obviously realise that there is a possible genetic element to it too and that being brought up in an environment where praise was limited may not have helped either, but I can't still be reliving one incident in high school when I made a bit of an arse of myself debating? Surely? But, MS is right, I have been feeding back for ages and yes, the anxiety has definitely decreased to a very very manageable level, it hasn't gone completely even after so much exposure. So, maybe it is just about learning to live with my negative thoughts and maybe discharging their emotiveness in some way rather than trying to eradicate them. All in time for my interview at the end of April!! Man that's a lot of personal growth and years of low self-esteem to overcome!
So, back to the positives
1. On Wednesday, I got to spend a good chunk of the day with a really lovely young woman. One of the few without an ASD that I get to see who was genuinely easy to have a conversation with.
2. I got a free coffee out of my supervisor.
3. My supervisor said she knows with my reports she'll hardly have to make any changes, just the occasional tweak or spelling error.
4. MS told me I know my stuff. :-)
5. Had it confirmed that I will get to be first author on this upcoming paper. And that it needs to be submitted by the end of June, which is a bit of an eek but a huge positive as well because it will be in time for next year's applications. :-)
6. Even though I didn't do the best job ever of this feedback, I didn't avoid doing it either when I could very easily have.
Its just one of those days when I wish I wasn't like this. When I wish I had maybe been born in one of those environments that raise children to believe they're good at everything. Apart from repeatedly being told that children should be seen and not heard and being made very aware that my opinions didn't count because I was a mere child, I can't think really how it got this bad. I obviously realise that there is a possible genetic element to it too and that being brought up in an environment where praise was limited may not have helped either, but I can't still be reliving one incident in high school when I made a bit of an arse of myself debating? Surely? But, MS is right, I have been feeding back for ages and yes, the anxiety has definitely decreased to a very very manageable level, it hasn't gone completely even after so much exposure. So, maybe it is just about learning to live with my negative thoughts and maybe discharging their emotiveness in some way rather than trying to eradicate them. All in time for my interview at the end of April!! Man that's a lot of personal growth and years of low self-esteem to overcome!
So, back to the positives
1. On Wednesday, I got to spend a good chunk of the day with a really lovely young woman. One of the few without an ASD that I get to see who was genuinely easy to have a conversation with.
2. I got a free coffee out of my supervisor.
3. My supervisor said she knows with my reports she'll hardly have to make any changes, just the occasional tweak or spelling error.
4. MS told me I know my stuff. :-)
5. Had it confirmed that I will get to be first author on this upcoming paper. And that it needs to be submitted by the end of June, which is a bit of an eek but a huge positive as well because it will be in time for next year's applications. :-)
6. Even though I didn't do the best job ever of this feedback, I didn't avoid doing it either when I could very easily have.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Okay, today has been hectic but pretty productive. Seriously got into report writing mode today and checked a few niggling items off my list with glee. Yes, yes, I know that could be one of my positives but I'm feeling so confident I will find them I decided to leave that as an unofficial positive.
1. I had a conversation with our newish not quite CT or ST (it turns out) who is quite opinionated and fancies himself rather intellectual and made him consider some alternative perspectives on some of the views he presented. It felt good to be able to hold my corner in a discussion about mental health with someone who is eminently more qualified than me. It was a big boost in my confidence in my knowledge and understanding.
2. I went to an interview workshop today, which was hugely helpful in a few respects. Firstly, it drove home the point that I will need to slow myself and my anxious brain down in interview and that I need to think about structuring my answers and not just emitting a stream of consciousness. But, and this is the positive, it made me feel really confident in my knowledge and skills, especially my clinical skills of course, and I know I will hold my own in interview as long as I can manage my anxiety!!!! But, having seen the level of the competition and getting a sense that Maxine might actually be more right than I initially understood about me being better than most candidates will go some way towards easing that anxiety.
3. I practised bits of the Tower of Hanoi which is about organisation and planning but also a bit about fluid intelligence and I did really well! I took only 3 moves more than the minimum and had a minute to spare on the hardest one. And I did much better than my ex colleague who I think certain people consider to be smarter than me. Which she may still be, but I'm going for positives here so ssssssshhhhhh! The girl is younger, prettier, more money savvy, in a serious relationship, on track for a stellar career ... I have to have one up on her in some respect!!!!
Monday, 26 March 2012
Monday Sunny Monday
More glorious sunshine! Sadly I spent it indoors, in the office, slumped over a computer for so long the sun had set by the time I started my trek home even though the clocks changed over the weekend. Nevermind, there will be many more sunny days over the next few months, I can feel it in my bones.
So, my positives for the day:
1. Stayed late, but finished preparing the basic dataset for the sideline project I'm regretting taking on.
2. Made a pretty awesome dinner and was organised enough to start preparing my lunch for tomorrow, even though I only got in a 8pm and want to be in bed by 10:30 because I have an early start tomorrow.
3. The flowers I bought myself yesterday are all open and looking absolutely stunning on my window sill. Cut flowers bring me so much joy!
So, my positives for the day:
1. Stayed late, but finished preparing the basic dataset for the sideline project I'm regretting taking on.
2. Made a pretty awesome dinner and was organised enough to start preparing my lunch for tomorrow, even though I only got in a 8pm and want to be in bed by 10:30 because I have an early start tomorrow.
3. The flowers I bought myself yesterday are all open and looking absolutely stunning on my window sill. Cut flowers bring me so much joy!
Sunday, 25 March 2012
This may be working too well.
It seems my increased positivity is making me forget why I started this blog in the first place - to encourage positivity even when it scarce! Anyway, what that's precis for is me having a nearly perfect weekend. Unhurried, lots of time to do my own thing, largely at my preferred pace but also lots of well-timed socialising that was fun, but not so fun I overspent or ended up with a hangover!
So, I need to come up with 6 positives as a minimum and quickly because I still need to wash my dishes and I want to be in bed (and asleep) by 11pm so I can start the working week feeling as refreshed as I currently do now.
1. I had a great workout in Pilates on Saturday morning. It reminded me why I tolerate the boredom I experience about half way through the class and made me hopeful that I would get back my strength and get back to exercising properly soon.
2. The glorious sunshine that actually spanned this entire weekend. It may not have been quite warm enough for shorts, but it was enough to convince me that spring is well on its way.
3. Because I went to bed at a sensible hour on Friday night, I had a lie in but still had ALL day left to do with as I pleased which included doing some much needed house work and other chores. All this meant that I was able to come home on a Saturday night to a pleasantly clean and tidy flat.
4. I didn't get completely thrown by the clock change. In fact, I so far have managed not to make a single time change mistake. This may be a first in the 16 or so time changes I have been through in my 8 years in the UK.
5. I managed to get in a trip to Decathlon where I successfully spent NO money AND a 4 mile walk along the river bank to book club. All this after a 2 hour lie and an eggs on toast for breakfast in bed. It was truly awesome.
6. I went to my first book club ever, met a whole bunch of new people and remembered 2 of their names. But here's the real positive, I expressed my honest and controversial opinion about the book largely altering the overall group perception of it! They described it as pedestrian and pointless but after my relatively well-argued perspective they all began to realise that there actually were numerous layers to the story and actually it was quite masterful after all they'd just missed it. Largely - I didn't express this of course - because as one of the characters in the book states their powers of observation have been blunted by privilege. I think what I may need to expand on is how I have an enormous fear of saying something stupid and have pretty much NEVER asked a question in a large group, never mind expressed an opinion of my own and definitely not expressed an opinion that contradicted at least 80% of the rest of the group's! Normally I would sit in dumb silence, try not to say anything and just make some sort of noise indicating agreement and that would be with a group of people I know! I have changed, my confidence has grown and I might actually not only be able to be a skilled clinician, but a skilled leader of people and leader of developments in my field as well. I left that group feeling stimulated by the discussion and also very hopeful about my personal growth. And a little smug as well. I don't think they knew what to make of me. Even if I'm not actually younger than any of them, I definitely look it and they were the ones asking me for information towards the end. It was wonderful and very needed positive reinforcement. If I can remember this experience, take from it that my opinions and knowledge are valid and valuable, I will kill at interview next month. Oh yes I will.
So, I need to come up with 6 positives as a minimum and quickly because I still need to wash my dishes and I want to be in bed (and asleep) by 11pm so I can start the working week feeling as refreshed as I currently do now.
1. I had a great workout in Pilates on Saturday morning. It reminded me why I tolerate the boredom I experience about half way through the class and made me hopeful that I would get back my strength and get back to exercising properly soon.
2. The glorious sunshine that actually spanned this entire weekend. It may not have been quite warm enough for shorts, but it was enough to convince me that spring is well on its way.
3. Because I went to bed at a sensible hour on Friday night, I had a lie in but still had ALL day left to do with as I pleased which included doing some much needed house work and other chores. All this meant that I was able to come home on a Saturday night to a pleasantly clean and tidy flat.
4. I didn't get completely thrown by the clock change. In fact, I so far have managed not to make a single time change mistake. This may be a first in the 16 or so time changes I have been through in my 8 years in the UK.
5. I managed to get in a trip to Decathlon where I successfully spent NO money AND a 4 mile walk along the river bank to book club. All this after a 2 hour lie and an eggs on toast for breakfast in bed. It was truly awesome.
6. I went to my first book club ever, met a whole bunch of new people and remembered 2 of their names. But here's the real positive, I expressed my honest and controversial opinion about the book largely altering the overall group perception of it! They described it as pedestrian and pointless but after my relatively well-argued perspective they all began to realise that there actually were numerous layers to the story and actually it was quite masterful after all they'd just missed it. Largely - I didn't express this of course - because as one of the characters in the book states their powers of observation have been blunted by privilege. I think what I may need to expand on is how I have an enormous fear of saying something stupid and have pretty much NEVER asked a question in a large group, never mind expressed an opinion of my own and definitely not expressed an opinion that contradicted at least 80% of the rest of the group's! Normally I would sit in dumb silence, try not to say anything and just make some sort of noise indicating agreement and that would be with a group of people I know! I have changed, my confidence has grown and I might actually not only be able to be a skilled clinician, but a skilled leader of people and leader of developments in my field as well. I left that group feeling stimulated by the discussion and also very hopeful about my personal growth. And a little smug as well. I don't think they knew what to make of me. Even if I'm not actually younger than any of them, I definitely look it and they were the ones asking me for information towards the end. It was wonderful and very needed positive reinforcement. If I can remember this experience, take from it that my opinions and knowledge are valid and valuable, I will kill at interview next month. Oh yes I will.
Friday, 23 March 2012
I chose sleep.
So, its been a busy week. Two days in a row I ended up with dehydration headaches after restricting my fluid intake because I knew I wouldn't have time to pee. What I do for my job. I ended up to tired or in too much pain to write so went to bed instead.
I also found out today that my much younger colleague now has 3 interviews after already being moved up the reserve list for one of the courses. I so know she's going to get onto the doctoral training before me. So depressing, but I will get there in the end! Oh, yes I will. And then I will over take her and shoot through the ranks once qualified. My skill and experience will be worth more than her luck and appropriate paperwork at some point. And not just hers, all the other youngsters with their still developing social brains and personal identities that are training to work with people in serious distress. #cananyonesaythewordbitter !
It's been a hard but goodish few days but I'm now three days behind in my positive things meaning I have to come up with at least 9 covering Wednesday, Thursday and today!
Wednesday
1. My supervisor told me she and my boss have been thinking about how they can keep me and help me improve my CV and they're willing to give me first authorship if I want to write up the results of some preliminary analysis we've done recently. That would be SPECTACULAR and it shows how much they value my contribution to the team.
2. I hung out with 2 gorgeous little girls and basically just had fun with them for 45minutes. They were so damned cute and it was such an enormous pleasure.
3. I had an idea about how I might earn some money on the side possibly enabling me to get an honorary research worker contract one day a week - tutoring A and AS level Psychology. Or babysitting. Or both.
4. It occurred to me I also might be able to volunteer one days a week with Prof S and just extend my hours on some days to make up the time. That might give her enough experience of me to write me an academic reference.
3. I lost another 600grams over night.
Thursday
1. My client that I've thought probably hasn't been that engaged with me shared more personal information with me. Makes me feel like he's starting to trust me and feels like what we have together is a safe space.
2. I met up with a girl from work for dinner who appears to be becoming a better and better friend even though we live on opposite sides of the country and this is the first time we've hung out alone socially. We had such a good long chat about a huge variety of things. It was refreshing.
3. Got to eat out. Sadly I had to pay for it and it was a lot more money than I was hoping to spend, but it was nice to do.
4. Confirmed a date to travel to Brighton to see a friend I haven't seen in person in probably 17 odd years!
Friday
1. Got a report + obs back with only the most minor adjustments.
2. Ate coffee cake for elevenses and had a cup cake for lunch. My waist and my blood sugar aren't happy, but I was.
3. Got to take an hours lunch break AND left half an hour early.
4. Hung out with my lovely pregnant friend for lunch (cup cake tasting).
5. Went for drinks with friends but only had three drinks so got to be social, but was home by 8 so I will have an early night.
6. When I got home I found I had actually put my leftover curry back in the fridge after decanting it into a tupperware to take to work for lunch. I thought I had left it on the counter so it wouldn't even be edible when I got home because it was a warm day today. Which brings me onto 7....
7. Today was a glorious sunny day! It was possible to be outside wearing only a light jacket. Summer is on its way at last!
I also found out today that my much younger colleague now has 3 interviews after already being moved up the reserve list for one of the courses. I so know she's going to get onto the doctoral training before me. So depressing, but I will get there in the end! Oh, yes I will. And then I will over take her and shoot through the ranks once qualified. My skill and experience will be worth more than her luck and appropriate paperwork at some point. And not just hers, all the other youngsters with their still developing social brains and personal identities that are training to work with people in serious distress. #cananyonesaythewordbitter !
It's been a hard but goodish few days but I'm now three days behind in my positive things meaning I have to come up with at least 9 covering Wednesday, Thursday and today!
Wednesday
1. My supervisor told me she and my boss have been thinking about how they can keep me and help me improve my CV and they're willing to give me first authorship if I want to write up the results of some preliminary analysis we've done recently. That would be SPECTACULAR and it shows how much they value my contribution to the team.
2. I hung out with 2 gorgeous little girls and basically just had fun with them for 45minutes. They were so damned cute and it was such an enormous pleasure.
3. I had an idea about how I might earn some money on the side possibly enabling me to get an honorary research worker contract one day a week - tutoring A and AS level Psychology. Or babysitting. Or both.
4. It occurred to me I also might be able to volunteer one days a week with Prof S and just extend my hours on some days to make up the time. That might give her enough experience of me to write me an academic reference.
3. I lost another 600grams over night.
Thursday
1. My client that I've thought probably hasn't been that engaged with me shared more personal information with me. Makes me feel like he's starting to trust me and feels like what we have together is a safe space.
2. I met up with a girl from work for dinner who appears to be becoming a better and better friend even though we live on opposite sides of the country and this is the first time we've hung out alone socially. We had such a good long chat about a huge variety of things. It was refreshing.
3. Got to eat out. Sadly I had to pay for it and it was a lot more money than I was hoping to spend, but it was nice to do.
4. Confirmed a date to travel to Brighton to see a friend I haven't seen in person in probably 17 odd years!
Friday
1. Got a report + obs back with only the most minor adjustments.
2. Ate coffee cake for elevenses and had a cup cake for lunch. My waist and my blood sugar aren't happy, but I was.
3. Got to take an hours lunch break AND left half an hour early.
4. Hung out with my lovely pregnant friend for lunch (cup cake tasting).
5. Went for drinks with friends but only had three drinks so got to be social, but was home by 8 so I will have an early night.
6. When I got home I found I had actually put my leftover curry back in the fridge after decanting it into a tupperware to take to work for lunch. I thought I had left it on the counter so it wouldn't even be edible when I got home because it was a warm day today. Which brings me onto 7....
7. Today was a glorious sunny day! It was possible to be outside wearing only a light jacket. Summer is on its way at last!
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Not quite the rose-tinted glasses you're thinking of
Hmmmm, through the negative lens of PMS today has not been a very positive thinking-like day. Just when I thought this was getting easier!
1. Started putting together a really great emotion-recognition training package I think is going to be pretty damned cool even if its technically crap because all I have to create this sort of thing in is PowerPoint.
2. Lost 0.5kgs over night. That might make more than the odd woman a lot jealous.
3. Had a mocha and some ginger biscuits so I might not be making the same loss tonight but it was so damned worth it!
1. Started putting together a really great emotion-recognition training package I think is going to be pretty damned cool even if its technically crap because all I have to create this sort of thing in is PowerPoint.
2. Lost 0.5kgs over night. That might make more than the odd woman a lot jealous.
3. Had a mocha and some ginger biscuits so I might not be making the same loss tonight but it was so damned worth it!
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