Okay, didn't get to post yesterday. Had to work really hard to remember yesterday. It was definitely a better day than today though! I think getting 6 points across the two days is going to be difficult though, all that's really sitting in my head is me feeding back to a family today and getting really anxious. And my beloved MS mentioning that she's noticed I'm still anxious feeding back to the team even though I've been with them for over a year now. She was really nice about it though and talked about things she's tried to do to manage her anxiety.
Its just one of those days when I wish I wasn't like this. When I wish I had maybe been born in one of those environments that raise children to believe they're good at everything. Apart from repeatedly being told that children should be seen and not heard and being made very aware that my opinions didn't count because I was a mere child, I can't think really how it got this bad. I obviously realise that there is a possible genetic element to it too and that being brought up in an environment where praise was limited may not have helped either, but I can't still be reliving one incident in high school when I made a bit of an arse of myself debating? Surely? But, MS is right, I have been feeding back for ages and yes, the anxiety has definitely decreased to a very very manageable level, it hasn't gone completely even after so much exposure. So, maybe it is just about learning to live with my negative thoughts and maybe discharging their emotiveness in some way rather than trying to eradicate them. All in time for my interview at the end of April!! Man that's a lot of personal growth and years of low self-esteem to overcome!

So, back to the positives
1. On Wednesday, I got to spend a good chunk of the day with a really lovely young woman. One of the few without an ASD that I get to see who was genuinely easy to have a conversation with.
2. I got a free coffee out of my supervisor.
3. My supervisor said she knows with my reports she'll hardly have to make any changes, just the occasional tweak or spelling error.
4. MS told me I know my stuff. :-)
5. Had it confirmed that I will get to be first author on this upcoming paper. And that it needs to be submitted by the end of June, which is a bit of an eek but a huge positive as well because it will be in time for next year's applications. :-)
6. Even though I didn't do the best job ever of this feedback, I didn't avoid doing it either when I could very easily have.