Well, I stopped blogging because the 3 positives got me through some disappointment. Now I'm back because I need them to get me through some SERIOUS disappointment. I didn't get on the doctoral training course this year. Gutted. But, in some ways, I'm not really sure I believe I ever will. I almost don't even want to try anymore, but think I owe myself one more shot!!!
So, after that enormous blow, I have to find 3 positives:
1. All the people who matter really believe in me and my boss said today it would be a travesty if I didn't. That confidence is what's driving me forward to continue to pursue a place on the training.
2. I actually had a pretty good day until the end. It was interesting, busy, I got my curry ....
3. I have all my health etc. Thinking about people like Edgar and the boy Peter was talking about earlier who essentially only has half a brain left reminds me how lucky I am and how living in the first world has taught me to have first world dreams forgetting about how lucky and privileged I already am.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Thursday, 29 March 2012
Okay, didn't get to post yesterday. Had to work really hard to remember yesterday. It was definitely a better day than today though! I think getting 6 points across the two days is going to be difficult though, all that's really sitting in my head is me feeding back to a family today and getting really anxious. And my beloved MS mentioning that she's noticed I'm still anxious feeding back to the team even though I've been with them for over a year now. She was really nice about it though and talked about things she's tried to do to manage her anxiety.
Its just one of those days when I wish I wasn't like this. When I wish I had maybe been born in one of those environments that raise children to believe they're good at everything. Apart from repeatedly being told that children should be seen and not heard and being made very aware that my opinions didn't count because I was a mere child, I can't think really how it got this bad. I obviously realise that there is a possible genetic element to it too and that being brought up in an environment where praise was limited may not have helped either, but I can't still be reliving one incident in high school when I made a bit of an arse of myself debating? Surely? But, MS is right, I have been feeding back for ages and yes, the anxiety has definitely decreased to a very very manageable level, it hasn't gone completely even after so much exposure. So, maybe it is just about learning to live with my negative thoughts and maybe discharging their emotiveness in some way rather than trying to eradicate them. All in time for my interview at the end of April!! Man that's a lot of personal growth and years of low self-esteem to overcome!
So, back to the positives
1. On Wednesday, I got to spend a good chunk of the day with a really lovely young woman. One of the few without an ASD that I get to see who was genuinely easy to have a conversation with.
2. I got a free coffee out of my supervisor.
3. My supervisor said she knows with my reports she'll hardly have to make any changes, just the occasional tweak or spelling error.
4. MS told me I know my stuff. :-)
5. Had it confirmed that I will get to be first author on this upcoming paper. And that it needs to be submitted by the end of June, which is a bit of an eek but a huge positive as well because it will be in time for next year's applications. :-)
6. Even though I didn't do the best job ever of this feedback, I didn't avoid doing it either when I could very easily have.
Its just one of those days when I wish I wasn't like this. When I wish I had maybe been born in one of those environments that raise children to believe they're good at everything. Apart from repeatedly being told that children should be seen and not heard and being made very aware that my opinions didn't count because I was a mere child, I can't think really how it got this bad. I obviously realise that there is a possible genetic element to it too and that being brought up in an environment where praise was limited may not have helped either, but I can't still be reliving one incident in high school when I made a bit of an arse of myself debating? Surely? But, MS is right, I have been feeding back for ages and yes, the anxiety has definitely decreased to a very very manageable level, it hasn't gone completely even after so much exposure. So, maybe it is just about learning to live with my negative thoughts and maybe discharging their emotiveness in some way rather than trying to eradicate them. All in time for my interview at the end of April!! Man that's a lot of personal growth and years of low self-esteem to overcome!
So, back to the positives
1. On Wednesday, I got to spend a good chunk of the day with a really lovely young woman. One of the few without an ASD that I get to see who was genuinely easy to have a conversation with.
2. I got a free coffee out of my supervisor.
3. My supervisor said she knows with my reports she'll hardly have to make any changes, just the occasional tweak or spelling error.
4. MS told me I know my stuff. :-)
5. Had it confirmed that I will get to be first author on this upcoming paper. And that it needs to be submitted by the end of June, which is a bit of an eek but a huge positive as well because it will be in time for next year's applications. :-)
6. Even though I didn't do the best job ever of this feedback, I didn't avoid doing it either when I could very easily have.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Okay, today has been hectic but pretty productive. Seriously got into report writing mode today and checked a few niggling items off my list with glee. Yes, yes, I know that could be one of my positives but I'm feeling so confident I will find them I decided to leave that as an unofficial positive.
1. I had a conversation with our newish not quite CT or ST (it turns out) who is quite opinionated and fancies himself rather intellectual and made him consider some alternative perspectives on some of the views he presented. It felt good to be able to hold my corner in a discussion about mental health with someone who is eminently more qualified than me. It was a big boost in my confidence in my knowledge and understanding.
2. I went to an interview workshop today, which was hugely helpful in a few respects. Firstly, it drove home the point that I will need to slow myself and my anxious brain down in interview and that I need to think about structuring my answers and not just emitting a stream of consciousness. But, and this is the positive, it made me feel really confident in my knowledge and skills, especially my clinical skills of course, and I know I will hold my own in interview as long as I can manage my anxiety!!!! But, having seen the level of the competition and getting a sense that Maxine might actually be more right than I initially understood about me being better than most candidates will go some way towards easing that anxiety.
3. I practised bits of the Tower of Hanoi which is about organisation and planning but also a bit about fluid intelligence and I did really well! I took only 3 moves more than the minimum and had a minute to spare on the hardest one. And I did much better than my ex colleague who I think certain people consider to be smarter than me. Which she may still be, but I'm going for positives here so ssssssshhhhhh! The girl is younger, prettier, more money savvy, in a serious relationship, on track for a stellar career ... I have to have one up on her in some respect!!!!
Monday, 26 March 2012
Monday Sunny Monday
More glorious sunshine! Sadly I spent it indoors, in the office, slumped over a computer for so long the sun had set by the time I started my trek home even though the clocks changed over the weekend. Nevermind, there will be many more sunny days over the next few months, I can feel it in my bones.
So, my positives for the day:
1. Stayed late, but finished preparing the basic dataset for the sideline project I'm regretting taking on.
2. Made a pretty awesome dinner and was organised enough to start preparing my lunch for tomorrow, even though I only got in a 8pm and want to be in bed by 10:30 because I have an early start tomorrow.
3. The flowers I bought myself yesterday are all open and looking absolutely stunning on my window sill. Cut flowers bring me so much joy!
So, my positives for the day:
1. Stayed late, but finished preparing the basic dataset for the sideline project I'm regretting taking on.
2. Made a pretty awesome dinner and was organised enough to start preparing my lunch for tomorrow, even though I only got in a 8pm and want to be in bed by 10:30 because I have an early start tomorrow.
3. The flowers I bought myself yesterday are all open and looking absolutely stunning on my window sill. Cut flowers bring me so much joy!
Sunday, 25 March 2012
This may be working too well.
It seems my increased positivity is making me forget why I started this blog in the first place - to encourage positivity even when it scarce! Anyway, what that's precis for is me having a nearly perfect weekend. Unhurried, lots of time to do my own thing, largely at my preferred pace but also lots of well-timed socialising that was fun, but not so fun I overspent or ended up with a hangover!
So, I need to come up with 6 positives as a minimum and quickly because I still need to wash my dishes and I want to be in bed (and asleep) by 11pm so I can start the working week feeling as refreshed as I currently do now.
1. I had a great workout in Pilates on Saturday morning. It reminded me why I tolerate the boredom I experience about half way through the class and made me hopeful that I would get back my strength and get back to exercising properly soon.
2. The glorious sunshine that actually spanned this entire weekend. It may not have been quite warm enough for shorts, but it was enough to convince me that spring is well on its way.
3. Because I went to bed at a sensible hour on Friday night, I had a lie in but still had ALL day left to do with as I pleased which included doing some much needed house work and other chores. All this meant that I was able to come home on a Saturday night to a pleasantly clean and tidy flat.
4. I didn't get completely thrown by the clock change. In fact, I so far have managed not to make a single time change mistake. This may be a first in the 16 or so time changes I have been through in my 8 years in the UK.
5. I managed to get in a trip to Decathlon where I successfully spent NO money AND a 4 mile walk along the river bank to book club. All this after a 2 hour lie and an eggs on toast for breakfast in bed. It was truly awesome.
6. I went to my first book club ever, met a whole bunch of new people and remembered 2 of their names. But here's the real positive, I expressed my honest and controversial opinion about the book largely altering the overall group perception of it! They described it as pedestrian and pointless but after my relatively well-argued perspective they all began to realise that there actually were numerous layers to the story and actually it was quite masterful after all they'd just missed it. Largely - I didn't express this of course - because as one of the characters in the book states their powers of observation have been blunted by privilege. I think what I may need to expand on is how I have an enormous fear of saying something stupid and have pretty much NEVER asked a question in a large group, never mind expressed an opinion of my own and definitely not expressed an opinion that contradicted at least 80% of the rest of the group's! Normally I would sit in dumb silence, try not to say anything and just make some sort of noise indicating agreement and that would be with a group of people I know! I have changed, my confidence has grown and I might actually not only be able to be a skilled clinician, but a skilled leader of people and leader of developments in my field as well. I left that group feeling stimulated by the discussion and also very hopeful about my personal growth. And a little smug as well. I don't think they knew what to make of me. Even if I'm not actually younger than any of them, I definitely look it and they were the ones asking me for information towards the end. It was wonderful and very needed positive reinforcement. If I can remember this experience, take from it that my opinions and knowledge are valid and valuable, I will kill at interview next month. Oh yes I will.
So, I need to come up with 6 positives as a minimum and quickly because I still need to wash my dishes and I want to be in bed (and asleep) by 11pm so I can start the working week feeling as refreshed as I currently do now.
1. I had a great workout in Pilates on Saturday morning. It reminded me why I tolerate the boredom I experience about half way through the class and made me hopeful that I would get back my strength and get back to exercising properly soon.
2. The glorious sunshine that actually spanned this entire weekend. It may not have been quite warm enough for shorts, but it was enough to convince me that spring is well on its way.
3. Because I went to bed at a sensible hour on Friday night, I had a lie in but still had ALL day left to do with as I pleased which included doing some much needed house work and other chores. All this meant that I was able to come home on a Saturday night to a pleasantly clean and tidy flat.
4. I didn't get completely thrown by the clock change. In fact, I so far have managed not to make a single time change mistake. This may be a first in the 16 or so time changes I have been through in my 8 years in the UK.
5. I managed to get in a trip to Decathlon where I successfully spent NO money AND a 4 mile walk along the river bank to book club. All this after a 2 hour lie and an eggs on toast for breakfast in bed. It was truly awesome.
6. I went to my first book club ever, met a whole bunch of new people and remembered 2 of their names. But here's the real positive, I expressed my honest and controversial opinion about the book largely altering the overall group perception of it! They described it as pedestrian and pointless but after my relatively well-argued perspective they all began to realise that there actually were numerous layers to the story and actually it was quite masterful after all they'd just missed it. Largely - I didn't express this of course - because as one of the characters in the book states their powers of observation have been blunted by privilege. I think what I may need to expand on is how I have an enormous fear of saying something stupid and have pretty much NEVER asked a question in a large group, never mind expressed an opinion of my own and definitely not expressed an opinion that contradicted at least 80% of the rest of the group's! Normally I would sit in dumb silence, try not to say anything and just make some sort of noise indicating agreement and that would be with a group of people I know! I have changed, my confidence has grown and I might actually not only be able to be a skilled clinician, but a skilled leader of people and leader of developments in my field as well. I left that group feeling stimulated by the discussion and also very hopeful about my personal growth. And a little smug as well. I don't think they knew what to make of me. Even if I'm not actually younger than any of them, I definitely look it and they were the ones asking me for information towards the end. It was wonderful and very needed positive reinforcement. If I can remember this experience, take from it that my opinions and knowledge are valid and valuable, I will kill at interview next month. Oh yes I will.
Friday, 23 March 2012
I chose sleep.
So, its been a busy week. Two days in a row I ended up with dehydration headaches after restricting my fluid intake because I knew I wouldn't have time to pee. What I do for my job. I ended up to tired or in too much pain to write so went to bed instead.
I also found out today that my much younger colleague now has 3 interviews after already being moved up the reserve list for one of the courses. I so know she's going to get onto the doctoral training before me. So depressing, but I will get there in the end! Oh, yes I will. And then I will over take her and shoot through the ranks once qualified. My skill and experience will be worth more than her luck and appropriate paperwork at some point. And not just hers, all the other youngsters with their still developing social brains and personal identities that are training to work with people in serious distress. #cananyonesaythewordbitter !
It's been a hard but goodish few days but I'm now three days behind in my positive things meaning I have to come up with at least 9 covering Wednesday, Thursday and today!
Wednesday
1. My supervisor told me she and my boss have been thinking about how they can keep me and help me improve my CV and they're willing to give me first authorship if I want to write up the results of some preliminary analysis we've done recently. That would be SPECTACULAR and it shows how much they value my contribution to the team.
2. I hung out with 2 gorgeous little girls and basically just had fun with them for 45minutes. They were so damned cute and it was such an enormous pleasure.
3. I had an idea about how I might earn some money on the side possibly enabling me to get an honorary research worker contract one day a week - tutoring A and AS level Psychology. Or babysitting. Or both.
4. It occurred to me I also might be able to volunteer one days a week with Prof S and just extend my hours on some days to make up the time. That might give her enough experience of me to write me an academic reference.
3. I lost another 600grams over night.
Thursday
1. My client that I've thought probably hasn't been that engaged with me shared more personal information with me. Makes me feel like he's starting to trust me and feels like what we have together is a safe space.
2. I met up with a girl from work for dinner who appears to be becoming a better and better friend even though we live on opposite sides of the country and this is the first time we've hung out alone socially. We had such a good long chat about a huge variety of things. It was refreshing.
3. Got to eat out. Sadly I had to pay for it and it was a lot more money than I was hoping to spend, but it was nice to do.
4. Confirmed a date to travel to Brighton to see a friend I haven't seen in person in probably 17 odd years!
Friday
1. Got a report + obs back with only the most minor adjustments.
2. Ate coffee cake for elevenses and had a cup cake for lunch. My waist and my blood sugar aren't happy, but I was.
3. Got to take an hours lunch break AND left half an hour early.
4. Hung out with my lovely pregnant friend for lunch (cup cake tasting).
5. Went for drinks with friends but only had three drinks so got to be social, but was home by 8 so I will have an early night.
6. When I got home I found I had actually put my leftover curry back in the fridge after decanting it into a tupperware to take to work for lunch. I thought I had left it on the counter so it wouldn't even be edible when I got home because it was a warm day today. Which brings me onto 7....
7. Today was a glorious sunny day! It was possible to be outside wearing only a light jacket. Summer is on its way at last!
I also found out today that my much younger colleague now has 3 interviews after already being moved up the reserve list for one of the courses. I so know she's going to get onto the doctoral training before me. So depressing, but I will get there in the end! Oh, yes I will. And then I will over take her and shoot through the ranks once qualified. My skill and experience will be worth more than her luck and appropriate paperwork at some point. And not just hers, all the other youngsters with their still developing social brains and personal identities that are training to work with people in serious distress. #cananyonesaythewordbitter !
It's been a hard but goodish few days but I'm now three days behind in my positive things meaning I have to come up with at least 9 covering Wednesday, Thursday and today!
Wednesday
1. My supervisor told me she and my boss have been thinking about how they can keep me and help me improve my CV and they're willing to give me first authorship if I want to write up the results of some preliminary analysis we've done recently. That would be SPECTACULAR and it shows how much they value my contribution to the team.
2. I hung out with 2 gorgeous little girls and basically just had fun with them for 45minutes. They were so damned cute and it was such an enormous pleasure.
3. I had an idea about how I might earn some money on the side possibly enabling me to get an honorary research worker contract one day a week - tutoring A and AS level Psychology. Or babysitting. Or both.
4. It occurred to me I also might be able to volunteer one days a week with Prof S and just extend my hours on some days to make up the time. That might give her enough experience of me to write me an academic reference.
3. I lost another 600grams over night.
Thursday
1. My client that I've thought probably hasn't been that engaged with me shared more personal information with me. Makes me feel like he's starting to trust me and feels like what we have together is a safe space.
2. I met up with a girl from work for dinner who appears to be becoming a better and better friend even though we live on opposite sides of the country and this is the first time we've hung out alone socially. We had such a good long chat about a huge variety of things. It was refreshing.
3. Got to eat out. Sadly I had to pay for it and it was a lot more money than I was hoping to spend, but it was nice to do.
4. Confirmed a date to travel to Brighton to see a friend I haven't seen in person in probably 17 odd years!
Friday
1. Got a report + obs back with only the most minor adjustments.
2. Ate coffee cake for elevenses and had a cup cake for lunch. My waist and my blood sugar aren't happy, but I was.
3. Got to take an hours lunch break AND left half an hour early.
4. Hung out with my lovely pregnant friend for lunch (cup cake tasting).
5. Went for drinks with friends but only had three drinks so got to be social, but was home by 8 so I will have an early night.
6. When I got home I found I had actually put my leftover curry back in the fridge after decanting it into a tupperware to take to work for lunch. I thought I had left it on the counter so it wouldn't even be edible when I got home because it was a warm day today. Which brings me onto 7....
7. Today was a glorious sunny day! It was possible to be outside wearing only a light jacket. Summer is on its way at last!
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Not quite the rose-tinted glasses you're thinking of
Hmmmm, through the negative lens of PMS today has not been a very positive thinking-like day. Just when I thought this was getting easier!
1. Started putting together a really great emotion-recognition training package I think is going to be pretty damned cool even if its technically crap because all I have to create this sort of thing in is PowerPoint.
2. Lost 0.5kgs over night. That might make more than the odd woman a lot jealous.
3. Had a mocha and some ginger biscuits so I might not be making the same loss tonight but it was so damned worth it!
1. Started putting together a really great emotion-recognition training package I think is going to be pretty damned cool even if its technically crap because all I have to create this sort of thing in is PowerPoint.
2. Lost 0.5kgs over night. That might make more than the odd woman a lot jealous.
3. Had a mocha and some ginger biscuits so I might not be making the same loss tonight but it was so damned worth it!
Monday, 19 March 2012
A life just the right kind of ordinary
Today was one of those days where nothing particularly remarkable happens. Nothing too good and nothing too bad. Frankly, after the roller coaster of the last few weeks, it was AWESOME! So, my three positives for the day were more than easy to devise:
1. Sent in my application for my adult ballet class after a conversation with the really lovely training co-ordinator. My childhood dream to do ballet is now a tangible thing! Well, at least the attending the ballet classes is, I suspect the teachers might differ on whether or not my attempts are actually remotely ballet-like! Still, I get to buy some new shoes and they're thankfully not expensive at all.
2. I made a new work friend. Sort of. Another assistant whose name I sadly have completely forgotten. She seems really nice, if a little serious, but she will provide me with some much needed company over the next few weeks.
3. I'm trying something new for dinner. Its currently in the oven and it smells absolutely amazing. So looking forward to something that's not pasta and sauce or stir fry!
4. I completely stuck to my health-kick fat-loss plan. No deviations and no money spent on Costa despite feeling very much like I want one.
5. Sorted out Friday night. Cheap, local drinks with Bea. :-)
6. I stayed an extra hour and a half and got about 20% of my data entry and mailing prep done for the project I'm working on that seems to have been a bit of a dud in terms of gaining broader research skills and getting myself better known by people who may have some influence on my future.
7. New episodes of 2 of my current preferred programmes will be downloaded by the time I finish writing this blog.
8. #7 means I will get to finish my day giggling - just the way I like to!
9. Nearly forgot this one - got squeezed into a free half day workshop on a 3rd wave therapy that is perfectly timed for interview prep, but also for helping me be more resilient and deal with any further disappointments that may come my way this year.
Wow, that's quite a list! I can't believe that within days of having my dreams possibly put on the back burner for a year I'm feeling this positive! I can only wonder if doing something like this would have helped me through difficult situations in the past. My challenge is to keep it up at least until after I have the results of my interview. If it can help me get through a negative outcome from that without me collapsing into a heap of self-pity for a few weeks I will certainly be thinking more about incorporating it into therapy in general.
1. Sent in my application for my adult ballet class after a conversation with the really lovely training co-ordinator. My childhood dream to do ballet is now a tangible thing! Well, at least the attending the ballet classes is, I suspect the teachers might differ on whether or not my attempts are actually remotely ballet-like! Still, I get to buy some new shoes and they're thankfully not expensive at all.
2. I made a new work friend. Sort of. Another assistant whose name I sadly have completely forgotten. She seems really nice, if a little serious, but she will provide me with some much needed company over the next few weeks.
3. I'm trying something new for dinner. Its currently in the oven and it smells absolutely amazing. So looking forward to something that's not pasta and sauce or stir fry!
4. I completely stuck to my health-kick fat-loss plan. No deviations and no money spent on Costa despite feeling very much like I want one.
5. Sorted out Friday night. Cheap, local drinks with Bea. :-)
6. I stayed an extra hour and a half and got about 20% of my data entry and mailing prep done for the project I'm working on that seems to have been a bit of a dud in terms of gaining broader research skills and getting myself better known by people who may have some influence on my future.
7. New episodes of 2 of my current preferred programmes will be downloaded by the time I finish writing this blog.
8. #7 means I will get to finish my day giggling - just the way I like to!
9. Nearly forgot this one - got squeezed into a free half day workshop on a 3rd wave therapy that is perfectly timed for interview prep, but also for helping me be more resilient and deal with any further disappointments that may come my way this year.
Wow, that's quite a list! I can't believe that within days of having my dreams possibly put on the back burner for a year I'm feeling this positive! I can only wonder if doing something like this would have helped me through difficult situations in the past. My challenge is to keep it up at least until after I have the results of my interview. If it can help me get through a negative outcome from that without me collapsing into a heap of self-pity for a few weeks I will certainly be thinking more about incorporating it into therapy in general.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Some bright bits on a dim Sunday
So, today was largely spent wallowing. I'm allowed one day, right? I ate a whole pizza and an entire 100g slab of chocolate and moved very little. It was gluttonous, slothful and while you might be feeling a little envy, I currently feel bloated and nauseous. But it was good, oh yes it was!
I've been thinking about organising something new in my life to try, something to make me feel like I'm moving forward in some respect even if I don't in the ways I want to. I might try ballet. It would be money I really don't have and it couldn't be worse timing for that reason, but I love the idea of trying something completely new. Maybe it will give me a little grace and a little more confidence. Maybe I'll be good at it. And maybe, in some small way, I'll get to change the image of me being a little tomboy who never did anything but play imaginary games by herself because she didn't have any friends her own age to play with (because she was too damned precocious for her own good and only made friends with adults and much older children) and her mum couldn't afford the dance lessons she so desperately wanted to try.
Despite lots of wallowing and little moving, there were actually a few easy positives to spot today:
1. My lovely friend N. called and I'm going to get to meet her and her lovely baby the first weekend in June! I can't wait! I will get to spend the weekend in Oxford with her and her family and our mutual friend will be joining for one day, so I will get to meet her daughters too. If that's the first weekend I am unemployed, it will be a very welcome distraction indeed!
2. My lovely ex phoned me back for a proper chat. He is the one person in my life who always takes time to let me know he cares and that I am special to him. He also may be facing time in prison for assault and abduction so his problems helped put my problems in perspective a little.
3. I saw a stranger help an old lady on the side of the road who got a little stuck. She just seemed to need someone to pull her along a little to help her get moving again. He did it with such warmth and kindness I was nearly moved to tears on the 436.
I've been thinking about organising something new in my life to try, something to make me feel like I'm moving forward in some respect even if I don't in the ways I want to. I might try ballet. It would be money I really don't have and it couldn't be worse timing for that reason, but I love the idea of trying something completely new. Maybe it will give me a little grace and a little more confidence. Maybe I'll be good at it. And maybe, in some small way, I'll get to change the image of me being a little tomboy who never did anything but play imaginary games by herself because she didn't have any friends her own age to play with (because she was too damned precocious for her own good and only made friends with adults and much older children) and her mum couldn't afford the dance lessons she so desperately wanted to try.
Despite lots of wallowing and little moving, there were actually a few easy positives to spot today:
1. My lovely friend N. called and I'm going to get to meet her and her lovely baby the first weekend in June! I can't wait! I will get to spend the weekend in Oxford with her and her family and our mutual friend will be joining for one day, so I will get to meet her daughters too. If that's the first weekend I am unemployed, it will be a very welcome distraction indeed!
2. My lovely ex phoned me back for a proper chat. He is the one person in my life who always takes time to let me know he cares and that I am special to him. He also may be facing time in prison for assault and abduction so his problems helped put my problems in perspective a little.
3. I saw a stranger help an old lady on the side of the road who got a little stuck. She just seemed to need someone to pull her along a little to help her get moving again. He did it with such warmth and kindness I was nearly moved to tears on the 436.
Getting even harder!!
I didn't think it would be harder to find positives on a weekend, but this weekend it is! Not helped by finding out that my 24 year old colleague has a second interview. That's not the issue though, I had actually guessed. She delayed telling me because she thought it would upset me - which it might have done when I was 24 and unable to manage the complexity of being disappointed for myself but happy for someone else - then said she wasn't going to stress about it because she's got a job so she'll be okay no matter what. Which WAS monumentally insensitive because she knows full well I'm facing probable unemployment in 2 months i.e. the one interview I have is actually hugely important for me as being successful would mean I would only have to get through a 4/5 months of unemployment instead of indefinite unemployment! I shake my head in confusion as to how I can communicate on my CV how much more ready I am for training than someone like her I just simply haven't had the money to do a masters.
So, yesterday was not a good day. Nonetheless, here are my three positives.
1) It was a Saturday, which meant I got to basically mess around on the internet and do nothing meaningful for several wonderful hours.
2) I spent a significant amount of time going through example questions for interview and thinking about the areas I will need to focus on for interview preparation, i.e. I was productive even though I appeared to be doing very little.
3) I read and received my Royal Holloway rejection letter without any stabbing pains of leftover disappointment i.e. I have got to the point where I feel the dignity I believe I have largely been demonstrating around my rejections.
I've just thought of a 4th!
4) My lovely ex and fabulous friend P. dropped everything (i.e. held back a pile of aggressive Glaswegians extra drunk on St Paddy's day trying to get into the club he works at) to give me a quick call to make sure I was okay when I texted him saying I needed a hug. He is a true friend and I am so lucky to have one like him.
So, yesterday was not a good day. Nonetheless, here are my three positives.
1) It was a Saturday, which meant I got to basically mess around on the internet and do nothing meaningful for several wonderful hours.
2) I spent a significant amount of time going through example questions for interview and thinking about the areas I will need to focus on for interview preparation, i.e. I was productive even though I appeared to be doing very little.
3) I read and received my Royal Holloway rejection letter without any stabbing pains of leftover disappointment i.e. I have got to the point where I feel the dignity I believe I have largely been demonstrating around my rejections.
I've just thought of a 4th!
4) My lovely ex and fabulous friend P. dropped everything (i.e. held back a pile of aggressive Glaswegians extra drunk on St Paddy's day trying to get into the club he works at) to give me a quick call to make sure I was okay when I texted him saying I needed a hug. He is a true friend and I am so lucky to have one like him.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Slipping already!
In my defence, anything I wrote before I collapsed into a heap on my bed may have been completely unintelligible to anyone but me. And even I probably only would have been able to understand it in those few minutes before I fell asleep.
So, in case the inebriation wasn't a big enough clue, yesterday wasn't a great day either. Yesterday I got confirmation that I only have 1 interview for the DClinPsy this year and my hopes for succeeding at that interview are not high. I'm not saying they're zilch, but the interview is notorious for being really challenging! So, I thought I would focus on the positives about my achievement so far, before trying to scrape together some positives about yesterday as a specific day.
1. I have beaten out around 1000 other people to be offered an interview at UCL. According to both major academic ranking systems, UCL is in the top 20 universities in the world and in the top 15 specifically for psychology. Streaks ahead of King's College/IoP. The better institution is interested in little 'ole me!
2. Just because I know so many really good people who didn't get offered a place doesn't mean I won't. I have a lot to offer that most of the 20-something, middle-class white girls they will be interviewing don't.
3. It's never been harder to get a place on a course than it is now, so to be offered an interview is amazing, regardless of the outcome of that interview.
4. If I don't get on this year, I will get different experience and gain a whole host of new skills doing something I'm really interested in. I really can't lose in psychology!
5. If I manage to get an RA post, I might even get a bit of a pay increase.
6. I am good at what I do. MS considers me in the top 3 of the the best trainees she's ever supervised. To get that kind of support from someone as parsimonious with her praise as her is simply incredible. I know I am better skilled than most of the 1st year trainees I help train. All I need to do is show that at interview.
Okay, I think that's a good start. We could call this the start of my balanced thoughts about being rejected by so many colleges and about being a nearly middle aged, single woman stuck in the 'apprentice' phase of her career.
So, what WAS positive about yesterday.
1. I got to see some of my fabulous friends after work.
2. I had toasted cheese sandwiches for dinner. They were AWESOME!
3. I remembered the timer function on my washing machine so had a fresh bundle of clean washing to hang up when I got home yesterday evening.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. That was seriously scraping the bottom, but the rule is 3 and I'm not going to go less than that, even if someone dies! I do think I should get a star from Seligman for so much positivity about my recent massive rejections though!
So, in case the inebriation wasn't a big enough clue, yesterday wasn't a great day either. Yesterday I got confirmation that I only have 1 interview for the DClinPsy this year and my hopes for succeeding at that interview are not high. I'm not saying they're zilch, but the interview is notorious for being really challenging! So, I thought I would focus on the positives about my achievement so far, before trying to scrape together some positives about yesterday as a specific day.
1. I have beaten out around 1000 other people to be offered an interview at UCL. According to both major academic ranking systems, UCL is in the top 20 universities in the world and in the top 15 specifically for psychology. Streaks ahead of King's College/IoP. The better institution is interested in little 'ole me!
2. Just because I know so many really good people who didn't get offered a place doesn't mean I won't. I have a lot to offer that most of the 20-something, middle-class white girls they will be interviewing don't.
3. It's never been harder to get a place on a course than it is now, so to be offered an interview is amazing, regardless of the outcome of that interview.
4. If I don't get on this year, I will get different experience and gain a whole host of new skills doing something I'm really interested in. I really can't lose in psychology!
5. If I manage to get an RA post, I might even get a bit of a pay increase.
6. I am good at what I do. MS considers me in the top 3 of the the best trainees she's ever supervised. To get that kind of support from someone as parsimonious with her praise as her is simply incredible. I know I am better skilled than most of the 1st year trainees I help train. All I need to do is show that at interview.
Okay, I think that's a good start. We could call this the start of my balanced thoughts about being rejected by so many colleges and about being a nearly middle aged, single woman stuck in the 'apprentice' phase of her career.
So, what WAS positive about yesterday.
1. I got to see some of my fabulous friends after work.
2. I had toasted cheese sandwiches for dinner. They were AWESOME!
3. I remembered the timer function on my washing machine so had a fresh bundle of clean washing to hang up when I got home yesterday evening.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. That was seriously scraping the bottom, but the rule is 3 and I'm not going to go less than that, even if someone dies! I do think I should get a star from Seligman for so much positivity about my recent massive rejections though!
Thursday, 15 March 2012
This ain't gonna be easy ..
Oddly, today may be even harder to scrape those three positives together than yesterday. But, that's the principle! Here we go ....
1) Despite repeatedly being asked by people whether I had heard from the IoP and having to tell them I had been rejected, I have still managed not to let my disappointment reduce me to tears. Of particular note to demonstrate how contained I have been, almost all the people who asked are past or current IoP trainees, some of whom I have helped train!
2) There was still dal left by the time I managed to get to the canteen for lunch so I got my curry treat!
3) I got to leave work on time and come straight home to my lovely sofa. A very very rare occurrence these days.
Shew! That was a little easier than I thought it would be. Now to try and make some of my positives less about food and laziness and more about health and exercise!!!
4) Actually, just remembered that I took my first trip up to the roof terrace I only discovered my building had a a few months ago and not only was it huge, its on a floor all on its own! I finally have my wish of some
private-ish outdoor space in London and for no extra cost!
1) Despite repeatedly being asked by people whether I had heard from the IoP and having to tell them I had been rejected, I have still managed not to let my disappointment reduce me to tears. Of particular note to demonstrate how contained I have been, almost all the people who asked are past or current IoP trainees, some of whom I have helped train!
2) There was still dal left by the time I managed to get to the canteen for lunch so I got my curry treat!
3) I got to leave work on time and come straight home to my lovely sofa. A very very rare occurrence these days.
Shew! That was a little easier than I thought it would be. Now to try and make some of my positives less about food and laziness and more about health and exercise!!!
4) Actually, just remembered that I took my first trip up to the roof terrace I only discovered my building had a a few months ago and not only was it huge, its on a floor all on its own! I finally have my wish of some
private-ish outdoor space in London and for no extra cost!
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
First 3 Positives
Last year I went to see Martin Seligman speak about his book Flourish and his research into positivity. One of the things he suggested people did to try and focus themselves on the positives in their lives was write down three positive things that happened during the day, every day. Of course, life and everything else stopped me from actually getting on with trying it, but today I got some bad news - not terrible news in the grand scheme of things - but very disappointing news. The kind of news that generally undermines my fragile self-confidence and makes me doubt my abilities and likelihood to succeed in a very competitive profession. So, I thought today would be a really good day to start. Plus, I know I'm as much a victim as anyone else of documenting the negatives in my life and simply letting the positives be forgotten. In the face of the likelihood of even more disappointing news over the next few days and months I thought starting to try and build some resilience against it might be a very good idea!
1. A little girl spontaneously took my hand. It felt amazing to have that little hand in mine and know that she trusted me, a complete stranger, like that. (Nothing creepy, honest, I work with children they just almost never take my hand!)
2. I got to enjoy one of my simple pleasures - a Starbuck Chai Tea Latte.
3. I only had to wait 5 minutes for the 171 bus. Might not sound like a big positive to you, but I've spent more evenings than I can count, after evening lectures, in the freezing cold waiting over 40 minutes for that damned bus.
1. A little girl spontaneously took my hand. It felt amazing to have that little hand in mine and know that she trusted me, a complete stranger, like that. (Nothing creepy, honest, I work with children they just almost never take my hand!)
2. I got to enjoy one of my simple pleasures - a Starbuck Chai Tea Latte.
3. I only had to wait 5 minutes for the 171 bus. Might not sound like a big positive to you, but I've spent more evenings than I can count, after evening lectures, in the freezing cold waiting over 40 minutes for that damned bus.
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